Thomas Mahoney

My favorite mainstream/corporate news web site, MSNBC, is running a story titled Msnbc.com’s most-clicked stories of 2008. In order, the list reads:

1. Heath Ledger found dead in NYC apartment
2. Boy’s death highlights a hidden danger: Dry drowning
3. Palin disclosures raise questions about vetting
4. National overview of 2008 presidential election results
5. NBC’s Tim Russert dies of a heart attack at 58
6. Black and white twins born to same mom
7. Chelsea Clinton asked about Monica Lewinsky
8. Presiden’t daughter Jenna married
9. You could get your tax rebate by May
10. Families speak about switched identity ordeal
11. Baby with 2 faces born in north India
12. Texas authorities defend polygamous sect raid
13. Discovery or doom? Collider stirs debate
14. Girl’s twin is found insider her stomach
15. Bride dies during first dance with husband

Now, I’m going to republish this list again. This time, however, it includes my dispensable analysis with each headline:

1. Heath Ledger found dead in NYC apartment
What does this say about the Internet’s primary users and the media’s target audience when the number one story on a popular web site for an entire year is the death of a young Hollywood actor from prescription medications? For opponents of mass movements or the wisdom of crowds, it provides more disappointing evidence that many people care about things that simply don’t matter. The real issue — a bright, wealthy, young man fatally addicted to pharmaceuticals — wasn’t even big enough for our favorite cult, Scientology, to be able to make a bigger story of it. Keep in mind that this was the year of the biggest election in recent history, there’s an illegal war still being fought in the Middle East, technology is rapidly advancing at exponential rates, and a little thing called a bailout happened. If we’re as stupid as our interests, we’re superfucked.

2. Boy’s death highlights a hidden danger: Dry drowning
Pure fear-mongering. You know what’s a greater danger in the US? Waterboarding, aka SIMULATED DROWNING. I’m sure Dick Cheney supports dry drowning. In other news, PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR KIDS AND THEY PROBABLY WON’T DIE. Then headlines like this can be avoided.

3. Palin disclosures raise questions about vetting
Palin raised a million questions, and how they “vetted” her isn’t even close to top of the list. How about she raised questions over the strain of weed McCain was smoking, if my mom and sisters are qualified to be VP (I’d back them over Palin), and where the dude in the background slaughtering turkeys buys his mustache dye. Thankfully, it also changed the question from “Will Obama win?” to “I wonder just how big this landslide is going to be?” Nothing was going to save McCryptkeeper, but it’s still strange to see an old man commit political suicide so openly.

4. National overview of 2008 presidential election results
Finally, something that kind of matters. Until you realize the two-party system and supposed democratic process in this country is the biggest inside joke this side of Dirty Dave’s cat being the reincarnated drummer from Dr. Z.

5. NBC’s Tim Russert dies of a heart attack at 58
See #1. Tim Russert seemed like a nice, smart guy, but telling the stories doesn’t make you the story.

6. Black and white twins born to same mom
This is probably really important to certain branches of science, but I highly doubt most people clicking were hoping to see a breakdown of the human genome and how anomalies like this occur in nature. They were probably hoping to see Michael Phelps and Lil’ Wayne giving each other a high five or something. Who cares? Obviously, everyone. What a fucking waste of time. If you want to be entertained by wacky race-related births, just watch the season finale of Californication, which I promise you is better than this.

7. Chelsea Clinton asked about Monica Lewinsky
Ask anyone you know about the last time their dad got a blowjob. I beg you to send me a recap of their reaction. Seriously. It didn’t matter then, it doesn’t matter now, and it will never matter in the future. Get the fuck over it and have some class. People who ask questions like this are the reason brass knuckles were created.

8. President’s daughter Jenna married
As if celebrity “news” isn’t the worst strain of information already, people who are not celebrities are getting covered more often than ever. How about more stories on how Bush is the worst president times infinity forever? Or about Cheney’s lesbian daughter? Who the fuck cares? This is beyond useless. God damn. If you read garbage like this, you’re a piece of trash that deserves a place right next to it in the landfill.

9. You could get your tax rebate by May
Sweet, so the government is returning some of the money they stole from me? (Still waiting to see the part of the Constitution that speaks to the tax issue). Roughly equivalent to getting shot at your job at 7-11, watching the dudes take off with everything, then one of them comes back two minutes later and throws the band aids they stole in your face. Woo.

10. Families speak about switched identity ordeal
Get fucked. No one cares. If you followed this story, you’re an idiot.

11. Baby with 2 faces born in north India
If it had been born with 6 arms, it would have been an even bigger event. Jokes about religions that I actually think are cool aside, this belongs in the same category as #6. If you want to read about freak shows, I suggest Katherine Dunn’s “Geek Love.”

12. Texas authorities defend polygamous sect raid
People came to America to do exactly this kind of thing. It’s clearly stated you can own guns, believe in whatever stupid fantasies you want, and that smarter/better people can overtake the weak/stupid (see: Capitalism). Dunno what’s exactly wrong here. I bet this shit didn’t happen in Russia in the 60s.

13. Discovery or doom? Collider stirs debate
The Large Hadron Collider goes off, so there isn’t much shit I can talk about it. However, people reading this are, like in #6, probably not too interested in the inner workings of physics. They just probably want to know if Quetzalcoatl’s return is from a South American astro-temple or from some hole in the ground in the middle of Europe. Jesus saves, Satan spends.

14. Girl’s twin is found inside her stomach
“Hey Tom, what’s up?”

“Nothing much. You?”

“Well, I was just reading about how this girl was born and her twin sister was inside of her stomach. Pretty newsworthy, eh?”

[Silence, as I leave the room and make a mental note to NEVER TALK TO THIS RETARD AGAIN]

We’ve had enough freak show articles above to indicate the decline of civilization already.

15. Bride dies during first dance with husband
If you read this, you know it’s about a real-life Big Fat Greek Wedding (which was a movie or television show, if my pop culture knowledge is on target). Again, as in #1, this should be an indictment on the failure of society to speak to the ills of preventable medical tragedies. PETA and people who liked Fast Food Nation should have picketed the funeral. Blargh.

2008 - love it or leave it! I’m leaving it.

I was simply going to nominate Santos, Ian’s dog, as Animal of the Year. But then I realized no such award exists, let alone a committee to determine the winner, so I’m just declaring it.

Before you send in vicious emails disputing the award, maybe you should look at what Santos does to clothing.

And if you still doubt it, why don’t you tell Santos yourself. This is the face he’ll give you:

I can’t wait to see him next week running around Brooklyn and terrorizing other semi-domesticated animals.

I’ve received the great honor of being nominated for a Shorty Award — here is the actual page.

I’m not one to campaign for such recognition, but I will openly state if you nominate me for #pwned, #goesoff, or simply #, I’ll send you a digital high five.

Boredom and stupidity breed brilliance: http://stupidlicenseplates.blogspot.com

(Much thanks to Casper Adams and Shintaro Suzuki).

Is Psycho Matt just a young Kris Kringle? You decide:

According to TIME Magazine and Yahoo!, the top 10 searches of the year were:

1.) Britney Spears (editor’s note: slut!)
2.) WWE (editor’s note: Ben Boudreau is pumped!)
3.) Barack Obama (editor’s note: teeth of Horus rule the divine)
4.) Miley Cyrus (editor’s note: slut!)
5.) RuneScape (editor’s note: AS IF! WoW pwns you forever!)
6.) Jessica Alba (editor’s note: slut!)
7.) Naruto (editor’s note: huh? NERD ALERT!)
8.) Lindsay Lohan (editor’s note: slut!)
9.) Angelina Jolie (editor’s note: slut!)
10.) American Idol (editor’s note: see also “teenage homoeroticism”)

I’d like to respectfully disagree with this list. Through my own research, analytics, and other covert means, I’ve discovered the top 10 alternative/hipster/fuck-up/weirdo (i.e. “real people”) searches were:

1.) Bestiality (editor’s note: term synonymous with “child pornography,” “two girls one cup,” “hot 3way sexcapades,” and other searches that blow up your parents’ computer and get the FBI watching)
2.) Come and get some (editor’s note: see also “play a riff” if at a Wolf Eyes show in the greater Los Angeles basin)
3.) Thomas Mahoney ruler of the internet and all multiverses
4.) Celtics 131 Lakers 92
5.) Psycho Matt Model Ryan Gay Homosexual Meltdown Party
6.) Crystal Meth
7.) Warcraft funeral
8.) Sasha Grey (editor’s note: unlike whores listed above, NOT a slut due to interest in existential and post-modern theory, not to mention fan of dark poetry broadcast by the likes of Joy Division, et al)
9.) Laser cats (editor’s note: see also “Dirty Dave’s cat nuking everyone and admitting via mimicry that he is indeed the drummer on Dr. Z’s epic prog album “Three Parts To My Soul”) / “Say hi to your mother for me”
10a.) Spiders on drugs (editor’s note: see also “Gary Vaynerchuk“)
10b.) Twitter ain’t shit but Obama and iPhones

If you have any doubts about the validity or impartial nature of this list, please consider there was no mention of “going off” or of getting “RickRoll’d.” Care to disagree with the list? You know how to contact me. Come and get some, turkey.

I rest my case.

Earlier in the year, I wrote extensively about my friend, musical companion, and business partner, Camerin. I revamped his web site and encouraged him to brand himself, not some Aleister Crowley-influenced term, and he has since reaped the rewards of a stronger, more permanent readership.

Anyway, Cam has a secret power. Beyond being a Hungarian-Irish vampire (he’s the only person I know who can drink as much as I can), he is about six and a half feet tall. Combined with his other features, he fits into that, “tall, dark, and handsome” category so many of us pine for, strictly because that is what the ladies want.

You don’t believe in TD&H? You don’t have to. As I’ve stated a thousand times, belief means nothing to me. Belief is for the weak. I deal in hard, empirical evidence, aka FACTS. Belief is unnecessary. Belief is required only of liars, thieves, and magicians. Am I one of those? Hmm, you want some video proving that Cam is indeed TD&H and that I don’t manufacture things? Cool. Here you go. This was sent to him by some fine babe just north of the border. Enjoy (or look away):

ready. almost. from jayme elizabeth on Vimeo